


Coffee Set Up

by Caffeine_addict



Series: Silly baristas [3]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awesome Darcy Lewis, Darcy Lewis Is a Good Bro, Darcy Lewis-centric, F/F, Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-24
Updated: 2018-02-24
Packaged: 2019-03-23 11:43:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13786956
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caffeine_addict/pseuds/Caffeine_addict
Summary: Darcy and Jane are a couple. One day Darcy decides that her fave barista needs some encouragement to help 'pronounce his love' for his co-worker. It does not go as well as planned. Jane is patient and tries.





	Coffee Set Up

**Author's Note:**

> Set in the Silly Baristas universe, it can be seen as stand alone, it Works if you haven't read any others. Tehnically a one shot that I dreamed up one day.   
> (I know the middle is sad, but it has a happy end)

Jane looked up from the paper she was writing. She couldn’t remember a time when it made sense. What was she going on about? Darcy’s expecting face greeted here in reality. 

“Were you talking?” 

“Ummm yes. I was telling you my incredible theory on the secret love attraction of Natasha and Steve.” 

Jane cringed, Darcy would tell her these long theories when she was least involved in conversation and she felt bad for not paying attention. 

“Natasha as in the barista? Darcy…” Jane sighed. This could have terrible consequences. A year ago, Darcy attempted to help what she thought was a lonely clerk at Whole Foods to get a date. It turned out she was crazy and sought people to join her all female cult – no doubt hoping to recruit Darcy. 

“No hear me out, we will check up on her to make sure she’s not creepy and THEN we will set our plan in motion.” 

“So, that we can be the creepy people?” Her girlfriend could sure be oblivious when it came to the absurdity of her actions. 

“Jane, we are the creepy people.” 

“How do you plan to resurface their hidden love?” Jane asked curious about the details of the plan. 

Darcy jumped up and down on their white IKEA couch from excitement. Most of their furniture was from IKEA. The only exception was the knobs that were collected by Jane from various stores and markets. 

“You will be so proud of me, finally my extreme knowledge of rom coms will help me in other things than quizzes.” She paused for dramatic effect. “One we determine Natasha and Steve’s availability. A quick convo at the coffee shop and some online stalking and we should be good. Two, we make sure that Natasha receives a coffee and a cute ass note from ‘Steve’ arranging a date. We tell HIM that she is all into him and he should take her out and even offer some restaurant recommendations to make sure they will be there. Then observe as love blossoms.” 

“That plan has quite a few plot holes.” Jane gently reminded her girlfriend. Having shut down her computer, she now moved onto the couch to be next to Darcy who was pouting. 

“That’s how it is in the movies and it will work. Don’t question the rules of cinema.” Darcy was being her normal upset drama queen. They could work on the plan later. Jane smiled at her and kissed her. 

“That’s what I thought; ride or die, bitch.” Darcy said and slapped Jane’s ass before they started ferociously making out. 

True to her word, Darcy started with online stalking the same night. 

“You are NEVER going to believe this!!” She shouted entering their bedroom. It was a miserable day outside and Jane was having a rare sleep in. Not that it bothered Darcy who was making sure that her girlfriend was fully awake to both hear and drink the t. Because she got her a cup of tea. 

“Tell me all about it.” Jane said and took a sip of the piping hot tea. 

“Natasha used to be famous like woot.” 

“Famous?” Sure, she has a pretty face, but the redhead was too much of a grump. Jane could never imagine her as famous. 

“My third favourite barista was once a relatively famous ballerina. She was supposed to be super famous, but after finishing her first big role she got a serious injury on the last night and now she can’t dance again.” 

Darcy pretended to faint by putting a hand on her forehead and collapsing on the bed. 

“Mais quell horreur, c’est terrible, la pauvre russe.” She said in her best French accent. 

“Tragic, but it doesn’t tell us if she’s got someone in her basement.” 

“No one has a basement private enough for that here.” 

“Good point.” Jane took another sip. The tea was hot. “A cabin then.”

“Rogers used to be a soldier, he could handle her.” 

“How long have you been online?” Jane was not a stranger to the internet, but her focus tended to be literal light years away with her being a physicist and all. 

“He posted it on his Instagram. I started following him like 4 months ago. I showed this to you.”   
Jane racked her brain to find that information. 

“I just hope you remember I am your girlfriend and where we live.” 

Darcy followed everyone that worked in that café. She knew that it would be useful one day, in the mean time she loved Loki’s catstagram and Tony’s extreme coffee devotion. Even Romanoff’s black and white shots of beer and cigarette smoke had their place in her plan. 

“Fine. At least we aren’t actually stalking anyone.” 

“Not yet.” 

Jane looked up in horror. “I even got us some outfits. As soon as they arrive, we’ll follow her home and remember her address for future use.” 

She coughed *stakeout* coughed again. 

“Darcy no.” 

“Darcy yes!” 

“No illegal stuff!” 

“This is not illegal. I checked. We’ll only do it one time and it won’t be stalking. If anyone asks we’re on a date.” 

“In a car?” Jane knew she had no real choice, she always went along with Darcy’s plans no matter what. She just tried to make them a little more reasonable. If Darcy had her way she would break in Natasha’s apartment and look for ‘clues’. 

“And why are we stalking only her?”

“You’re right, we should find Steve’s apartment too. I’ll take Natasha and you do Rogers.” Darcy was back in her plan mode. 

“I think we need to get some coffee.” She suggested. 

“I am literally drinking tea.” Jane retorted. “We can go somewhere else first.” 

Darcy pondered the idea. “I suppose.” She pouted while thinking. “We could go to that fair we’ve been meaning to.” 

Jane who was now lying next to Darcy rolled on her side and put her arm around her. She gently kissed her shoulder. “We could definitely do that.” Darcy returned the kiss and then sighed. “We should get up.” 

“And rethink the plan?” Jane said delightedly. 

“My plan will work great, stop complaining.” 

“I am merely trying to make it the best plan it could be.” 

“Sure, Jan.” 

“Don’t Sure, Jan me!! You know how much I hate that gif! It devalues all my statements.” 

“Fine.” Darcy rolled until she landed on the floor with a loud thud. The first time she did that Jane nearly had a heart attack. It turned out that Darcy was horribly lazy and a bruise was better than using her hands.

Their bathroom had a convenient hers and hers sink that saved Jane many nerves – Darcy had an elaborate skin care routine and followed a 10 step Korean routine twice a day. Jane had water and Nivea. She did always steal Darcy’s SPF. The Bluetooth waterproof speakers were also a life saver as Darcy, the forever perky lovable idiot, started her day with a song. It was surprisingly effective and Jane wished she had done the same sooner. 

The fair was in full swing by the time they arrived – hardly shocking it was Saturday and midday. Jane saw cotton candy and steered Darcy as far away from it as possible. 

“But I want the sugar cloud.” She pouted. 

“I mean you can, but I’d rather you didn’t.” 

“Well now you’ve ruined it.” Three seconds later she perked up again. “Toffee apples!” Jane loved those and had a hard time begrudging her girlfriend one or two.   
Soon their mouths were fool of the deliciously crunchy apples and still warm toffee. “God, these are good.”

Darcy said and walked towards the game stands. “I think we should try and get something ridiculously large and fluffy.” 

Jane looked round, there were few things fitting that description, the prises were mostly medium sized tigers and bears. They went up and down eating their apples and finally finishing them Jane shouted, “I see a unicorn!” taking Darcy’s hand she dragged her in the right direction. 

“Yaaasss.” She greeted the owner. “What do I have to do to get the unicorn?” 

“Hit all 6 cans. I gotta warn ya, no person has done that in two years.” 

“Aha, I’m small and entitled so this should go well.” Jane snorted and paid the owner. 

Few people knew that Darcy was an incredible shot – one upon a time she even had a licence and spend her weekends shooting paper targets and even took shooting themed retreats. 6 cans were next to nothing for her. These days the most lethal thing she possessed was a taser, but her aim was yet to leave her. 

She hit the first can and it fell off its perch. She hit them all in the row and as she progressed the owner looked more and more nervous. Darcy hit the last can that remained in its place. 

“I wonder why no one gets the prize. You glued it in place!” 

“No, I didn’t!” The owner defended himself. He did, but he wasn’t going to let a girl expose him. 

“Then why didn’t it move?” She grabbed a bullet much to the owner’s protest and shot the can again.

“It didn’t even budge!” 

Jane interfered. “I am sure that is just a precaution. But we want out unicorn.” 

“no.” he said. 

“I see.” Jane looked at Darcy. suddenly she grabbed the unicorn from the mass of toys and after unhooking it they both ran away. 

Seeing it would bring more trouble for him he let them have the stuffed nuisance. He really should fix the cans more, he thought. 

Having reached the ‘intersection’ the pair stopped. “He isn’t even chasing us, how boring.” Darcy complained. 

“Who isn’t chasing you?” A strange silky voice asked them. Darcy’s eyes opened wide. It was the last person she expected here and yet it was even better than she could ever plan. 

“Natasha!” Darcy turned to her. She stopped in her tracks. Something extra cute and fluffy had her attention. Jane had a similar reaction. She could barely focus on answering Natasha when there was a real-life corgi in front of her. 

“You have a corgi?” Darcy whispered. 

Natasha smiled proudly. “This is Buttercup.” 

Darcy leaned down to the cute doggie and petted her. “I love you Buttercup.” She cooed. 

“Buttercup? Like the Princess Bride.” Jane barely got her shit back together; this was the first time she saw a corgi in real life. 

“Yup.” 

“You must get a lot of attention with her.” Darcy asked. 

“It’s funny I’ve had her for three years and she’s only now become a sensation.” 

“Such a cute dog as you?” Jane blew her a kiss. Buttercup loved it, she wagged her tail in excitement.

“Are you here all alone?” Darcy knew she needed to take this as an opportunity to do some preliminary snooping. 

“My friend is here with me, he’s getting me a drink.” 

“But not a boyfriend?” Darcy pushed further. 

“I don’t have a boyfriend.” She smiled. “Not that I owe you an answer.” 

“Great!” Darcy exclaimed. 

“I mean, what a bummer.” She continued ignoring Natasha’s comment, “not a girlfriend either?” 

Natasha leaned her head and gave Darcy and inquisitive look. “Why are you asking?” 

“I am looking for candidates to take my other sister on a date.” 

“And you thought of me?” 

“She hates people and loves dogs. You’d be great together.” 

Natasha was amused by this, Darcy loved meddling in people’s lives and clearly, she decided she was next. She decided to play along. 

“Thanks, but no.” She feigned indifference. “My dog and I are very happy together.” 

“Is it because she’s a girl.” Darcy pressed. 

Jane couldn’t handle it anymore. “Darcy, let her be.” 

“I’m just not looking for anyone.” Natasha smiled. 

“I really have to go now. I’ll see you tomorrow.” 

The couple said goodbye to Buttercup and her owner and continued their adventure in autumn-land. There was a haunted house that scared the living shit out of Jane, but greatly amused Darcy. 

They were barely out of it when Darcy noticed something familiar. 

“Oh! Look, Loki!” Loki was Darcy’s favourite barista at their Starbuck’s, he hated PSL and anything pumpkin related with a passion, so it was strange seeing him here. An autumn fair where the main decoration was the rotund orange vegetable. She loved his hard exterior appearance, it worked because they both knew it was mostly a front. Besides, snarky people were her people. 

Jane looked round her only to find that Darcy was already on her way to him and Tony.

“Darcy, we talked about this, you do not accost people by shouting at them. Greet them nicely.” She turned to the pair. 

“Hello, nice seeing you here, sorry for Darcy. She gets excited. She will mellow out soon.”

“No, I won’t.” her girlfriend immediately opposed. 

“I lied, you just get used to her.” They nodded. Darcy came to their Starbuck’s nearly every day and always remembered to tip, even if she could have gotten away with   
not doing it that frequently. Jane was right, of course, they were used to her. They only wished to know how Jane could handle her all the time. 

“You should JOIN us!” Darcy exclaimed. “We had the beeest toffee apples over there.” 

“Then let’s get them.” Tony smiled and took Darcy’s hand. Jane stayed behind with Loki. 

“Not a fan of toffee apples?” She asked him. “Darcy can’t get enough of them – this is her second.” 

“Too much sugar for me. Apples are good on their own.” He replied and suddenly disappeared from Jane’s line of vision. 

“Umm, Loki?” She looked around her, quickly at first, but slower then. The brunette had a hard time finding the tall man. “Maybe Darcy is right, he is a vampire.” She murmured. 

As soon as she admitted defeat, Jane noticed a mass of black hair behind the fake therapy stand. 

“There you are!” She walked towards him. “Why are you hiding?” 

Loki frantically shushed her. If his ‘cover’ would be blown he’d have to talk to Thor. 

“LOKI” too late. 

“Thanks.” Loki said to Jane not very gratefully and stood up. 

“JANE, HOW ARE YOU? WAS THAT MY BROTHER I SAW WITH YOU.” It was Thor, who indeed was Loki’s brother. But they didn’t talk. He did however know both Darcy and Jane. It was a funny story; they knew his brother and didn’t know that it was his brother. Neither did he know that they knew his brother, despite them all being friends. 

“Brother?!” Darcy came back carrying two toffee apples. One was already bitten into. Tony was also there and likewise had two toffee apples. 

“YES, MY BROTHER LOKI.”

The bell in Darcy’s head started ringing DRAMA, DRAMA! EXPERIENCE IT ALL FIRST-HAND! 

“YOU KNOW MY BROTHER?” 

“Yes, he works where we get our daily caffeine fix.” Jane replied. 

“You know my brother?” This time Loki asked the question. 

“He’s my sister’s boyfriend.” Darcy replied. 

Loki facepalmed. The atmosphere couldn’t have been tenser if Loki uncovered a secret love affair. 

“Hello, Thor.” He finally greeted his brother taking in a sharp breath. The lack of enthusiasm was devastating. 

The tall blonde gave a bear hug to his now identified brother. The freakishly tall man looked small in his hands. 

“YOU HAVEN’T BEEN TO ONE OF THESE SINCE—”

“I was revealed to have been adopted? Yes, you are right.” 

Darcy’s eyes were wide as saucers. She and Tony were living for the drama. This was better than any TV show. Jane had more human emotions and felt bad for Loki. Why would anyone go to such length to avoid their sibling was beyond her. He must have had a good reason. 

“We should go.” Jane dragged her excited girlfriend to a respectable distance. Tony, thank god, also had enough decency to move with them. 

“Who would have guessed Slenderman had a brother?” Darcy was terrible at small talk sometimes. She didn’t wait for an answer. 

“Are you two on a date?” 

“Darcy!” Jane exclaimed. 

“What? I am showing interest!” Tony stood awkwardly next to them. 

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.” Jane tried to reassure him. 

“It’s ok.” He turned to Darcy. “I will tell you all about it when I see you, but basically I am curing him of his autumn-phobia.” 

“Wow, you mean I will be able to say PLS around him and Loki won’t murder me in his mind?” 

“Hopefully.” He smiled. “I see you two had fun.” Tony gestured at the unicorn in Jane’s arms. “I won him fair and square.” Darcy got defensive. “But Jane stole it.” 

“Excuse me, we earned it.” She kissed the unicorn and instantly regretted it. god knows where it had been before. 

“Aren’t you supposed to be the respectable one?” Tony was confused, Darcy did stupid things and Jane discouraged her, not the other way round. Surely? 

“She only looks like it.” Darcy said proudly. Her Jane was just as unhinged as her, the only difference was that she thought about her actions a bit more and therefore was less likely to be caught. 

“I better get back to Loki, wouldn’t want him to steal my car and leave me here.” 

“See yah.” Darcy smiled and Jane waved at him. 

“This day is ridiculous.” She said and leaned on her girlfriend’s shoulder. 

“It’s certainly been something.” 

“Natasha has a freaking corgi.” Darcy remembered. 

“Yeah, that was a plot twist.” Jane agreed. 

“Can we go home now?” Darcy whined. Jane was shocked – wasn’t she having fun just a moment ago? Her girlfriend could have moved her if the thought struck her. On the other hand, she could leave a party anytime she wanted for no real reason. 

“Yes, please.” She replied relieved. Unlike Darcy, Jane was a bit of a hermit and needed her outgoing Darcy to help her be less worky work. “Let’s go home and cuddle.” 

The next day, Darcy declared she would work at home, she had that luxury as an illustrator – freelancer, but she was in the talks to change that. Darcy really wanted to get the job as a comic book artist. It would have been so cool and it would also mean that many many more people would see her work. Although, Jane has been devising a back-up plan, unbeknownst to Darcy, how she could achieve a similar result. Either way, Darcy had the day free to ‘lounge’ around Starbucks and survey Natasha, maybe even Rogers. 

She was in luck, because true to her word Natasha was working. Even better, Rogers was working. He always answered all her probing questions. 

“Morning!!”

“Hello, Darcy!” Steve smiled at her. It was 11 and he worked through the morning rush hour, but Darcy always cheered him up. She seemed to have endless amounts   
of energy and enthusiasm. 

“How are you?” Darcy asked. There wasn’t a line, she could chat away. 

“Good, just about to go on a break. It’s been a hell of a morning. That’s Mondays for you.”

“Can’t relate, I freelance and everyday is the same for me. If you told me it was Sunday, I would just accept it.” 

“Lucky you.”

“Sometimes it’s great and other times you wish you had a normal schedule. Boring stuff like getting paid regularly on time.” 

Steve winced. “Never thought about it like that.” 

“OMG, NO Steve I forbid you to feel sorry for me. I have more than enough money.” 

Natasha returned for her break. “He feels sorry for everyone. Last week Loki said that he never had a peep and this softie here nearly cried.” She smiled. 

“What can I get you?” 

“PSL! Stay-in today, as my office shall be that lovely large chair over there.” Darcy excitedly pointed to a corner with a power socket near it. 

“Hey, maybe Steve can help you with the sister problem.” Natasha felt like causing mischief today. 

“Oh, yeah.” Darcy mentally cursed Natasha. How dare she mention her non-existing second sister. Steve will remember it forever. 

“I want to set up my sister with someone.” Darcy explained to Steve. If he said yes, she would have an excellent opportunity for setting up a date. If he asked for a picture, she would be pretty fucked. 

“She tried to set me up yesterday.” Natasha added.

“Aww, I don’t know. I gotta talk it through with my dog first.” 

The two women gave him a strange look. 

“He still misses my ex, I feel like he would take it as an insult.” 

“Please don’t say that to my sister.” Darcy begged. 

“Or anyone sane, please.” Natasha agreed. 

“My dog and I are best buds, ok, you don’t have to be this negative.” He blushed. 

“Fine, have a heart to heart with your doggo.” Darcy said as she paid for her drink. 

“I’ll bring it to you.” Natasha said as she walked away to make it. 

As she sat down, Darcy congratulated herself – she managed to get Steve on board with some potential dating – making it much easier to get him to arrange a date AND she would soon know where the elusive Natasha Romanoff lived, making it easier to do some light stalking. You know, after the stalking she was going to do today. 

It didn’t take that long for Natasha to finish her shift – she worked 6 hours that day and that meant Darcy only had to wait for two hours. Enough to have some coffee, start a character, even do an outline so she could scan it when she got home and with the remaining time she decided on the colour scheme of the fairy she was   
drawing. She had a very particular shade of purple in mind. 

“I’m off now.” Natasha announced. Darcy jumped, she picked her spot so she could see on which side she went, but she was deep in her work and needed to tidy it up ASAP. The pens seemed to have a mind of her own – now that she needed them to get in the pencil case they wanted to leap out. Darcy slightly panicked, but she still saw that Natasha went left and then stopped to take out her phone. 

“Bye.” She said as she rushed past Loki and Steve. 

Darcy searched for the red-head. There was a decent amount of people outside, it being lunch hour, but she finally found her going down into the underground. 

“Thank fuck” she whispered and ran after her. Undergrounds were easy to blend in, right. 

Darcy caught up with Natasha – enough to keep her distance, so she wouldn’t notice her. 

Natasha was aware that someone was following her. At the first available time she turned and saw that Darcy was trying to follow her. What was she up to? Why did she want to know if she was single? She didn’t struck her as a serial killer. In the end, she decided to be surprised. It probably had something to do with her ‘probing’ questions yesterday. 

The way to Natasha was not that far – only 3 stops. Darcy was grateful for that. There was a scary moment when Natasha turned and looked her directly in the eyes. Her body thankfully reacted quickly, plastering a smile and a non-threatening wave. 

It must have been Darcy’s lucky day, as the redhead stopped at a building not far from Darcy’s favourite Waterstone’s. Brilliant, she had the best cover!   
In her apartment, Natasha was relieved as Darcy went directly past her and into the bookstore. No stalking done yet. Buttercup greeted her. Tasha blew kisses at her dog and soon forgot all about Darcy. 

At work Jane tried very hard not to think about Darcy. Natasha could have called the cops on her. And they were technically stalking her. Her phone started ringing. It was Darcy. 

*Please tell me you didn’t do it.*

*I did, but guess what! She lived right by my fave bookstore so we have s perfect excuse to be there.*  
Jane sighed. 

*Darcy no* 

*Darcy yes* Darcy corrected her. 

*I will buy you a book, but I will not let you stalk an innocent person.*

*But you’re the one who said we need to make sure she isn’t trying to recruit me for a cult* Darcy loved throwing Jane’s sane statements as proof that she should be on board with her less legal ideas. 

Jane groaned and put her had in her hand, still holding the phone. Why did she choose this idiot to be hers? 

*One hour.* Jane finally agreed. Darcy squealed, she knew Jane would come round to it. And it was just in time, their super cute spy outfits were on the way. Who doesn’t love a cute all black outfit? Isn’t Jane’s ass gonna look so great in those? Yes, it will. Darcy rushed home feeling elated, not even a person peeing in the corner could ruin her day. Even if it was pretty gross. 

A freshly showered Darcy was sitting on the couch, she decided to re-watch Hemlock Grove and was contently shading a fairy she drew earlier while listening to the dialogue. Her good mood was further cemented by her wearing those damn expensive Lululemon yoga pants that made her ass look impossibly perky, and a strappy night gown on top. It was such a cute combo. 

Jane hated the stairs. Why oh why was their elevator not working? They lived on the 6th floor for fuck’s sake! This wasn’t fair. She hated stairs under normal circumstances, but she was laden with food and a giant package. She might as well be in hell. 

“Finally.” She breathed out when she saw her door. Jane collapsed on the doorbell. Darcy never bothered to take the key out if she knew Jane was home, why shouldn’t she do the same?

“Why such a cruel and unusual punishment?” She complained as she helped her girlfriend take the goods inside. “Is that our spy outfits?” 

“Probably.” Jane sighed in relief. “I am so over being awake.” 

“Sexy,” Darcy commented. “I ordered food a while ago, it should be here soon.” 

“I love that.” Jane dragged herself onto the living room carpet and was now resting on her back, spread out as if she was making a snow angel. It was what she always did after a particularly stressful day. 

“Wanna talk about it?” Darcy asked. She was placing the groceries in their respective places, a chore she hated doing, but was necessary. She hated any chore, except unloading the dishwasher, but Jane couldn’t do everything, as much as she tried to. 

“I just wish papers were easier to write. And that I wouldn’t have such a demanding co-author. We argued for 20 minutes about using ‘this paper’ vs. we’, it was so frustrating I started crying. Then I got accused of being a weak woman.” 

The brunette was back on the couch, sympathetically looking at her lying girlfriend. 

“Did you do anything about that? I mean, I am pretty sure he’s not allowed to say such sexist things. If anybody say that to me, they’d be in HR being fired so fast.” 

“I emailed them. I’m sure he’ll have a loving remark about that too.” She rolled on her side. 

“Where did you order?” Having changed the subject, Jane was staring at the gorgeous purple shade of nail polish Darcy wore on her toes. 

“Indian.” She showed the toes a bit more – I did them today, so proud of these lil piggies.” 

Jane snorted. Darcy looked at the parcel she forgot about. That was a first, she thought, parcels were her drugs. It was like Christmas, but faster and easier because   
you didn’t need to get other people presents and hope they liked them. 

She stood up to open it. 

“Oh, yeah, that came for you.” The tiny woman continued in a happier tone “Are those our spy outfits?” 

“Yes, they are. Wanna see?” Darcy tore the packaging apart to find two black fake leather tights, two V-neck t shirts, hoop earrings and faux leather jackets with studs. Inconspicuous. 

“Wow, you went into stealth mode. Also hoop earrings?” Jane had earrings but never wore anything other than studs. 

“I am so into hoops lately. I bet you would look great in those. I swear they are so light you won’t even notice they are there until you turn your head too fast and they sort of come after you and touch your neck like a creepy ghost.” 

“All ghosts are creepy, Darcy.” Jane commented. She was still on the ground, except now she was sitting cross legged. 

“Does Indian float?” She suddenly asked. 

“Yes, it does, I tested it myself.” 

“Care for a bath then?” Jane wiggled her eyebrows. 

“I already had a shower… but I can keep you company.” Darcy returned the wiggle. “Make sure you’re squeaky clean.” 

Jane extended her arms. Darcy smiled and took her by the wrist and began dragging her to the bathroom. “This is so romantic btw.” She joked. 

“I’ll be all wet soon.” Jane replied. 

“Oh, yeah?” Darcy tried to talk seductively, but most of the time she failed.

“Wet and hopefully fed.” 

“Killing the mood here.” Darcy announced as they arrived at the bathroom – having deposited her girlfriend at the door she walked in to start the tap. 

She gathered the strength to get up; as soon as she entered the room, Jane started to take off her clothes. Naked she lit the candles they kept in the drawer and picked out a bath bomb. They kept them in giant candy jars they got discounted at bed bath and beyond. Unfortunately, the jars required at least 10 bath bombs to look appealing and who in the hell has 10 bath bombs at home? So, their 4 just looked sad and lonely on the shelf.   
Suddenly, the bell rang. 

“Thank fuck.” Jane and Darcy said. Jane was so looking forward to tasting the sweet and spicy chicken tikka masala; and heaps of rice… and naan. Her mouth was salivating now she could smell the food Darcy brought her.

The pair spent the evening in the heavy scent of spices and oils joking and kissing. Eventually the fell asleep in each other’s arms, readying for their day of butt sitting and stalking. Just as she fell asleep, Darcy thought her life couldn’t get any better. 

Jane knew the clothes were more Darcy’s style than hers, but she had to admit she looked… cool. Or at least not her usual nerdy self. She swore that she had no idea how ink kept getting on her shirts. It just appeared. 

“Are you ready?” Darcy completed her look with a super sharp cat eye liner and even ironed her hair. 

“I still think this is a bad idea.” 

“I am just glad you weren’t raised a city girl and still have a car.” She ignored Jane’s comment. This was an excellent idea. She even got snacks hidden in the car, the level of commitment she had for this was astonishing. 

“Cars are useful. They’ve always been.” She sighed. “Let’s go then.” 

In her apartment, Natasha Romanoff was watching Netflix in her jammies. She just got back from her shift and planned an afternoon of intense laziness. There was a bowl of pop corn on her lap, Buttercup was at her feet keeping both of them nice and warm, and she had a large glass of water by her side. With lots of ice. If it wasn’t ice cold, Natasha wasn’t interested. 

“Ok, Darcy, remind me what we know about Natasha so far, and why are we stalking her and not Rogers.” 

“We’re not stalking anyone.” 

Jane rolled her eyes. Sure they weren’t. They were just outside her apartment in a car with binoculars for no reason. 

“Why, Darcy, why?” Jane asked again. 

“Because he seems nice.” Darcy tried. It was a bad excuse. 

Jane stared at her. The radio played a popular and very overplayed song in the background. 

“Because I know this is stupid, but I wanted to do a stakeout. You know that, ever since I’ve seen Brooklyn 99 and it looked so much fun.” 

“One hour.” Jane warned her. Not because she wanted to deprive Darcy of her fun, far from it, but she had a dinner reservation for the two of them that Darcy didn’t know about. 

“If it’s any consolation she doesn’t appear to be doing much.” Darcy sat back and dropped the binoculars. “How dare she be just like so many other people with her cute ass doggo.” 

“It must be terrible for her.” Jane teased. Then she noticed a person nearing the door. “Who’s that?”

Darcy immediately turned. The motion was so violent that her hair slapped Jane in the face. She was forced to close her eyes and to spit out the hair. Consequentially, she failed to see the man’s face. 

“Did you see who it was?” 

Darcy replied not taking her eyes off him. “I feel like I’ve seen him before, but I can’t place him anywhere.” 

“Natasha never said anything about a bae.” 

“Darcy, do you even know if she likes men?” 

“Oh yes, there was an ex. Plenty of aesthetic mushy pics of them on her Instagram.” 

Jane felt like they narrowly avoided a disaster. 

“Maybe he’s not here for Natasha anyway.” Jane reasoned. Darcy was nervously waiting to see if he will appear in the window. She had her doubts, Natasha was covered in pop corn, so she clearly intended to be alone, but that never stopped eager men. She assumed. It never stopped her pretty gay ass. 

“Let’s hope so.” 

They collectively groaned when Natasha stood up and disappeared from frame. 

“She could be just getting some more water.” Darcy said in a low voice. 

“Of course.” 

The same man walked in. Darcy, who was holding the binoculars, could see his face, but Jane couldn’t. It didn’t really matter because he turned his back from them; neither did Darcy recognise him. 

For the next 40 minutes Darcy and Jane watched intensely as the two people sat next to each other and ate. It was funny because that was pretty much what they did too. 

Jane cracked first. “Nothing is going to happen, Darcy.” 

“They are so boring, Jane, something is up.” She insisted. Jane knew that staring at her was best. She always cracked when faced with Jane’s stony face. 

“Fine, we can go.” 

“Thank fuck” Jane exhaled and drove them to their dinner destination. 

The next day, it was Jane’s turn to do some meddling. She popped into their Starbuck’s on her lunch break hoping that neither of Darcy’s victims would be there.   
She had no such luck. 

“Hi, Jane.” Steve smiled widely at her. He found her more intriguing than Darcy, mostly because she told him far less about her life than her girlfriend. 

“Hi, Steve.” Before Jane could say anything, Steve already begun talking. 

“You know, my dog and I have had a heart to heart…” Jane did not understand the reference, but nevertheless assumed Darcy had something to do with that strange sentence. “and we’d love to meet Darcy’s sister.” 

Bless his good heart. 

“Great!” She smiled. “I’ll tell Darcy to ready her sister.” 

“Good. I’ll message her later.” He gave the cup to Tony, already filling the order. 

“You’ll have a psl, right?” 

“And one of these.” Jane handed him the sandwich she picked out earlier. As Steve was charging her he remembered something important. 

“What’s her name?” Jane panicked. 

“Whose name?” 

“The sister.” 

“Oh…” Jane tried hard to find a nice name as fast as possible. “Lindsey.” 

Jane really hoped this worked out. She collected her drink and immediately called Darcy. The phone barely rang before Darcy answered. She must have been on Instagram again. 

*Hi, honey.*

*How did it go?* Darcy expected a bad answer. 

*I saw Steve and he said he’d love to meet your sister. BTW her name is Lindsey now.*

*OMG, everything is going to work out!* Darcy has never felt so relieved in her life. She was a matchmaking genius.

*Is it? Natasha still remains oblivious to your dating plan*

*Today we shall return to the scene of the crime and leave our favourite red-head a cute little invitation to a date.*

*And sign what?* The variables here could doom them in a second. 

*A secret admirer?* She continued, knowing that no sane woman would show up to a date with a person she did not know. 

*NO! We sign Steve. Make a cute little confession of it.* 

*I see.* 

*Jane! This is going to work out.*

*I believe in you, you know that, but be ready that they don’t feel the need to rub their privates together.* 

*Such a romantic, Jane.* 

*I am the most romantic anti-romantic person you know.*

*You’re the only one I know.*

*Exactly, see how special I am.* Jane laughed. *I’ll see you later.*

She proceeded to make horrible kissy sounds at her phone and hung up. 

“I love that idiot.” She murmured.

Later in the day, Darcy and Jane went back to Natasha’s apartment to leave her ‘Steve’s’ note. It was unmissable, as Darcy went all out; she bought red balloons, a   
bouquet of roses and printed out a card with his confession on it. It said: 

Dear Natasha, 

Ever since I’ve seen you I have known you to be one of the best people in my life. It took me a long time to realise it wasn’t just admiration I harboured for you, but love. 

Please meet me at Le bateau rouge tomorrow at 7 for dinner. 

Forever yours, 

Steve Rogers

 

“She’s so going to be into it.” 

“Sure you buy Natasha flowers, but not me.” Jane joked. 

“I buy you food all the time. Isn’t farting together romantic in your book?” Darcy knew her babe. 

“I know and I love it.” They kissed and quickly left the building just before Natasha came back home. 

Her attention was immediately grabbed by the flowers and the balloons – it was hard not to notice them and if you do manage to do that you are either blind or have your head pretty far up your ass. But Natasha did notice them and that is the important part. Reading the card she smiled as she got to the end. 

“So that is what they were up to.” Natasha was relieved that the human plagued by verbal diarrhoea had nothing worse planned than a date. She enjoyed when all the parts assembled themselves and you finally saw the big picture. On her way to the apartment, she made a call. 

“You are never going to believe what just happened.” She uttered as she closed the door behind her. 

The next day, Jane and Darcy did their things – Jane was a serious adult doing serious work and only later remembering that she had a crazy plan in the making; and Darcy paced around the apartment in excitement and only later remembered she had work to do. Even then, her mind was not focused on the task. She eagerly   
awaited Jane’s arrival, as that meant she was officially allowed to think about the date today. 

In his home Steve was getting ready for his date. His golden retriever was sitting on the couch gradually becoming more and more sad looking. 

“Aw, c’mon, don’t give me that look, I’ll always love you.” 

The dog did not look convinced. 

“For all we know, we might not get along.” 

Why was this so hard for him? Biscuit had the same reaction every time he went somewhere nice. It was all his fear. 

“Wish me luck.” He patted Biscuit one last time and exhaled slowly. Why, oh why, did he convince himself saying yes to more things was a good idea? 

He arrived first at the restaurant. Darcy told him that her sister was a red-head, but other than that she did not offer much information, merely saying that she is awesome and that he will love her. 

Steve Rogers was intently scrolling through Facebook when a woman sat down across from him. Thinking it to be Darcy’s sister he looked up to greet her and was instead face to face with Natasha. Did he miss something? Where the two related? 

“Ok, Rogers, this is how this is going to go. Darcy, and partly Jane, have decided that we are in love and need a push in the right direction, organising this lovely looking dinner. I, on the other hand, am not looking for a boyfriend, but standing you up would be too damn rude. Besides, a girl’s gotta eat.” 

Natasha rushed through all of this leaving Steve very confused. His mouth was still open and he closed it thinking the mass of information through. 

“So Darcy has no sister?” 

“Not that I am aware of.” Natasha found it endearing this was the part he was confused about. 

“Unfortunately for you.” She added. 

“Why am I not surprised? This sound exactly like Darcy.” 

At their table, because Darcy cannot let things be, Jane and Darcy were discussing the date. They were poorly concealed behind a giant potted plant. 

“OK, so Steve seems surprised to see Natasha, but not overly disappointed.” Darcy reported to Jane, who just wanted to have a nice meal out. 

“They are talking now.” 

“Shocking.” Jane said in a low voice. 

“I am a matchmaking genius, Jane, you will see.” Darcy tried to rein in her voice. She found it to be surprisingly hard. Is this how normal people lived? Who knew it was this difficult? Not her, that’s for sure. 

Jane looked up when Darcy didn’t screech the last part.

“I know, it was hard to do that.”

Jane took Darcy’s hand in hers. “I am so proud of you.” She half mocked. 

As the two were talking, the waiter approached Steve and Tasha’s table with menus. 

“Good evening,” she said, “my name is Peggy and I’ll be your waiter tonight. Would you like anything to drink?” 

Natasha was a huge vodka fan, much to the dismay of her sister that during her college years drunk too much and now had vivid near death experiences every time she heard vodka. Ordering her drink, she saw that the waitress was lost in Roger’s eyes. 

“And what would you like?” Peggy said softly. She was having a hard time responding to everything that was not him. It was like gravity was pulling them together, there was nothing she could do about it. Peggy even had a hard time breathing. 

“Anything you want.” He replied. 

Darcy was getting restless, why was this happening? This wasn’t the plan. She replied to Jane, distracted by the events at the table.

“Thanks, but I still don’t know what is going on. Steve just keeps staring at the pretty waitress.”

This was enough to prompt Jane to turn. She full-on turned and looked at the trio. 

“You’re fucked.” She stated. 

“Noo, he is not into the waitress, he’s into Natasha.” Darcy defended her position. She had to have been right.

“Not anymore.” Jane was surprised at this, with their luck Steve could have seen them and publicly confronted them about the non-existing sister. He was probably too nice to do that, or blind, but people had a way of surprising you when you least expected it. 

“I don’t believe you.” 

Back at the now ruined date table, Peggy being gone, Natasha could tease him all she wanted. 

“You liiiike her.” She smiled. “Nice to see this isn’t a giant waste of an evening for you.”

“That was rude of me. I apologise.” 

“Nah, I saw hearts coming out of your eyes, I couldn’t compete with that even if I wanted to.” Natasha felt less bad about her non-attraction to Rogers. It was quite ironic that on a date with her he found love and she will hopefully find some good food. It dawned on her what her sister was saying all those years ago when she too fell for a waiter on one of her nights out. Too bad he left her alone with a kid. 

Steve covered his eyes with his hands. “Was it that obvious?” The sound came out muffled, but he did not sound regretful that it happened. Nor should he be, in Natasha’s opinion. 

“Do you want me to get her number for you? I can be your wing-woman.” 

“Why, do I need one?” 

“You never know.” 

Darcy was on the verge of hyperventilating. Quietly because restaurant. 

“Jane, we have to do something, my plan is collapsing.” 

“Darcy, just let it be.” 

“You’re right. I should help the waitress get together with Steve.” Normally Darcy reacted quite well to changes in plans, she made plenty of on the spot decisions, but today she wasn’t faring well. Her brain kept telling her to hit herself with the menu and she felt like she let Jane down. All she wished to do was spread some love for two people she thought were in love, not accounting for the fact a third person might come in and take the metaphorical love crown. 

“Darcy, please calm down. It’s alright.” Jane took a sip of her wine. She wished she ordered something stronger instead. “Natasha doesn’t seem particularly offended and if anything, you’ve got what you wanted. Just not with the people you meant.” That did not sound too reassuring to her. Mentally berating herself for being so awkward with words, she didn’t notice Darcy leaving the table. 

Assuming she went to speak to the waitress, Jane turned towards the bar. No sight of her overly enthusiastic girlfriend. 

She sighed. Of course. 

“I am really sorry.” Darcy begun. “I thought it would work out better.” Natasha had her back to the wall, so she could see her approaching, but Steve didn’t. The arrival was unexpected for him and he jumped a bit in surprise. 

“Jesus, Darcy, you scared me.” 

“Sorry. As I was saying –“

Natasha interrupted her. “Darcy, there really is no need for you to apologise.” 

“But I want to.” She stuck to her gun. “I assumed I knew what you wanted and did some light stalking and heavy meddling.”

She turned to Steve. “I don’t have another sister. I wanted you and Natasha to get together. You seemed like you really liked each other and maybe you do in a more platonic sense. God knows I never notice when anyone likes me. Jane had to make a power point where the first slide literally said: EYYY I’M GAYYY FOR YOUR ASS.” 

“What did the second one say?” Natasha loved stories about people using pp to make things obvious. 

“It said not just for your ass, I’m hella gay too. It was a short presentation.” Darcy rushed her reply. She was nervous as fuck and didn’t appreciate being asked things that had nothing to do with what she was trying to say.

“Darcy, I appreciate the gesture, but I have someone.” Natasha finally said. “And Rogers here has the hots for Peggy.” 

Darcy exhaled. She didn’t notice that she was holding her breath in. 

“Was that the person that came to your apartment last week and you two just watched TV?” 

“Yes, him.” 

Steve raised his eyebrow. Natasha never talked about anyone in her life that wasn’t her sister, he assumed she was single. Maybe she just really loved complaining about her sister’s incessant meddling in her life. 

“You could have just said that at the beginning.” Darcy blushed, she felt like a giant fool. Thank god they were in a restaurant and she could stuff her face later. You know, eat your spaghetti to forgetti your regretti. This was going to haunt her even more than the cult woman. At least there she accidentally did some good and busted an actual live cult. It was pretty inoffensive, but still. 

“Darcy, we appreciate your effort, you are a ray of sunshine in our lives. When you come into the shop, not elsewhere.” Natasha said the last part a bit too curtly for her liking, but it got the point across. 

Hearing her insignificance, Darcy flinched, she assumed she had some sort of friendly rapport with her; seeing now how little Natasha had for her, it defeated her.   
Steve started at Natasha with an open mouth. Even if Darcy was overly involved, this was too much. 

“I’ll leave you then.” Darcy said to the ground. As she was retuning to her table she saw Jane’s concerned face. It was strangely touching to see she didn’t touch her food, instead waiting for her. 

“I take it didn’t go well.” Jane tempted fate.

“It did until, little miss ex ballerina told me all our interactions are reserved for the coffee shop only.” 

Darcy dug in her spaghetti carbonara. It was very good, if a bit cold. As great as they were they had a hard time lifting her spirits. She was staring in her bowl of pasta when a familiar voice got her attention. 

“Darcy?” 

Steve borrowed a chair from the table next to them and sat himself next to Darcy and Jane. 

“Natasha is right, you’re just a person I see when I get my coffee. I’ll be all professional tomorrow.” Darcy didn’t turn to him, she felt the knot in her throat. It would be absurdly horrible if she cried now. 

“Natasha is a reserved person. I work with her all the time, and this is the first time I heard about anyone.” He gathered his thoughts. 

“Look, she may not think of you as a friend, but I certainly do. I know your matchmaking attempt came from a good place, even if you did some sketchy things to get here. Either way, I am being very inarticulate here, but maybe talk to people first and then act? It may save you trouble in the future. And don’t let Tasha get you down.” 

Darcy nodded. Usually Jane apologised for her, but she was quiet today. What can she really say? She got herself in this mess and dragged her in. 

“I’ll see you round, then. I have a pretty girl to talk to.” He returned the chair, smiled to Jane and walked towards Peggy. 

“I’m sorry I dragged you in this.” Darcy sighed. She pushed the food away, it was cold and tasted like sadness now. “Can we please leave.” 

“You didn’t drag me in this. I am your girlfriend and more than capable of deciding for myself. I chose to do this with you.” Jane reasoned. “Ride or die, remember?”  
Darcy smiled a little bit. 

“I’ll go pay, you can wait for me in the car.” Jane really wanted to strangle Natasha for crushing Darcy so thoroughly. At least throw something in her face. She always enjoyed making scenes in public. At least in her head. 

Jane could see it: she would walk up to Natasha, pick up the glass of red wine next to her water and throw it on her dress – that was white so it would certainly stain.   
She sighed. Too bad she was too much of an adult. Now she would have to be passive aggressive or petty. 

The next day, Darcy refused to pick up coffee. Jane tried to convince her that it would be alright, she checked with Steve and Natasha would not be there. She would be working mornings for the next two weeks, meaning she would be safe from her from 2 pm on. Even with this reassurance, Darcy used the instant coffee they kept for emergencies. 

A week passed; Darcy was feeling better, but still did not show up at Starbuck’s. Tony would send her pictures of PSLs and candid pics of Loki (he always looked exasperated, how, was it a natural reaction to being around Tony for prolonged lengths of time?), but still she refused to move. Jane, in solidarity, only went when she knew Natasha wouldn’t be there. It was a dark week in the Foster-Lewis household.

One afternoon a bell rang. Jane ordered in earlier and expected a pizza. She was very hungry and had a hell of a day. 

“You’re not pizza.” She observed very well. It was in fact Natasha and Bucky. 

“My apologies for that.” She tried to smile. 

“Heavy words for something so simple.” Jane wasn’t having this. Nope. This was not food and she was not dealing with this.

Darcy emerged from the bathroom. 

“Did I hear a bell?” Seeing the visitors, Darcy walked over and closed the door in their face. Nah, not accepting her in this, her place of repose. Nopidiy, nope, no. 

Natasha sighed. Bucky and her exchanged glances. “Do we try again?” He suggested. 

Tasha gave a non-committed shrug and knocked. No body answered. 

“I thought so too.” Natasha rummaged through her purse in search of her phone. “where is that bugger?” she whispered. Bucky gave her a hand – together they located   
it underneath a layer of receipts. 

“We’ll wait.” She sat down next to the door. Bucky was confused. 

“Why do you need the phone then?” 

“To pass the time.” She whispered. “They need to think we left.” 

Agreeing, her buff boyfriend parked his ass next to hers. Together they scrolled through Instagram, occasionally stifling a laugh. 

Their opportunity arose roughly twenty minutes later when the actual pizza delivery boy arrived. Natasha intercepted it before he could knock. 

“Hey, kid, I’ll pay you double if you let me knock.” 

The lanky teenager couldn’t give less of a fuck if Jesus wanted to knock on the door. 

“Yeah, k, whatever.” He didn’t mean to sound that exasperated. 

“Give him the money.” Natasha gestured at Bucky. She remembered moments earlier she had only 20 dollars on her. 

Rolling his eyes, Bucky did as he was asked. “Just how rude were you Tasha?” 

“I crushed her, it was like seeing a unicorn and telling it the corn was tacky.” 

“You sure know how to put your foot in your mouth.” He commented. 

Natasha knocked on the door. This better work. Bucky remained invisible next to the door; his girlfriend hid behind the teenager. 

Darcy opened the door. 

“Yas, pizza we’re starving!” She saw the soul crusher behind her. 

“What did she do?” She asked the delivery boy. “Paid for you, twice for some reason.” He handed the food over. 

“Have a nice night.” And got the fuck out of there. 

Natasha straightened herself; from his corner Bucky emerged looking very unamused. 

“She has something to say.” He started. Leaning on the door, it was now much harder for Darcy to close it. However, she was showing no interest in that. Yet. 

“Go on.” 

“I wanted to apologise. You’re a person I know from work, yes, but I see you all the time, I’ve known you for literal years. So, you’re right too. We’re not strangers, not   
many people know as much about my sister as you do. I know a lot about you and Jane. It was horribly rude of me to say all our interactions should forever be limited just to that. I only wish you would have asked more out rightly and not try to set up a date where you were only half sure about the need.” 

She paused to gather her thoughts. 

“It was worse of me to say that. I knew that you were up to something and I plaid along and then berated you for it. I chose to accept your meddling.” 

Darcy wasn’t too happy to know her stealth mode tactic was anything but unnoticeable.

Natasha continued. 

“In spirit of things being better and more…cordial between us, this is Bucky. My boyfriend.” 

During her monologue, Jane moved from her sofa vantage point to the foyer. Standing next to her brunette girlfriend, she listened. It was Darcy’s call mostly, but should she find the apology lacking, it was game over for Natasha. 

Darcy exhaled forcefully. 

“I accept your apology. You can come in if you wish.” 

Natasha smiled. “I would love that.”


End file.
